A Travellerspoint blog

Entries about being scared

Sliced and Diced.

My people. My passion. My path

sunny 50 °F

The Scene

When: 11:30pm. 5 hours before scheduled arrival time to hospital

Where: The streets of Boston, North End.

Who: Three of my nearest and dearest, who took me out, made me laugh and snuggled all over me - keeping me happy and distracted the night before my surgery.

Dialogue: "Wait. Umm...It looks like Umass Medical Memorial Campus is not here in Boston, it's uhhhh.....back in Worchester*."
"What. The. Fuck. How do I not know what CITY my surgery is scheduled in!?" "Seriously. You can't make this shit up"

  • for the CO crew it is pronounced 'Wooster'

So. We laughed a bit, set our alarms for even earlier in the wee hours and hunkered down for a couple hours of sleep before driving back in the direction I had started in. Navigation has never been a strong suit. Always thankful for old friends and new beginnings.

Anyways. I made it where I needed to be, for when I needed to be there, and by 7:30am I was laughing hysterically, in a super sexy hospital johnny asking the birth dates of everyone on my surgical team...then came 'lights out'. By 10am I was groggy, repaired and EXHAUSTED.

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  • rest easy, just a little cornea irritation warranted this bad ass eye patch.

Now. Other stuff.

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Summer turned into fall.

Had some big realizations of what it is that I love doing, and the direction I want to go. I also remembered that the people in my life are the best kind of friends because where we are just doesn't matter...Colorado, Massachusetts, Anywhere in between, If it's been 4 months or 14 years, somethings never change and that is amazing. Priceless.
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I learned a lot, lead a lot, grew a lot.

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Early Morning Meeting

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Kennebec River Trip.
Outdoor Wilderness Leaders 'Start the Year Off Right Trip'

Afternoon Commute

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Kayaking Day Camp Program

Business Trip

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Different office, Different day
NAUI Scuba Instructor Course

Oh. And.
This happened, and now I need to learn to sail.
The power, pulse and peacefulness of the ocean is where I feel at home.
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Hmm...I wonder if I know anyone who can teach a girl to sail..

Quote of the moment:
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Countdown:
Embracing each day as it comes. Countdown free. But, I mean technically....if we WERE going to be counting down something it would likely be Surfing in Panama. And in that case it's 3,352 hours. #recovertosurf

Cheers to peace, patience and recovering little by little
Aubs

Posted by AubreyJ 03:28 Archived in USA Tagged me landscapes beaches art home nature beach travel airport fun family massachusetts friendship boating coffee competition hospital fitness action strength laughter surgery repair quotes dreams inspiration recovery introspection leadership fantasy inspire motivation choices best_friends east_coast caffeine being_scared being_strong instincts emotional_wellbeing athlete_problems funny_story umass labral hips Comments (0)

Rock & Roll - Sun & Snow

Juggling Balls & Dodging Needles

sunny 20 °F

December & January

Three Places. Three Take-A-Ways
1. Canada for Christmas.
Pepe: "How happy are you on a scale of 1-10?"
Me: " A 12" (When my Pepe asked me about RJ) I'd say that accurately sums up that trip.

2. Massachusetts. I'm thankful that no matter how long (or short) my visits back home are, Nick and I never fail to have a long run and a coffee together. This time around we had to forgo the quality of Mrs. Murphys and settle for a Dunks in the truck, but it was great. "Dunks in the truck" Hmm....I feel like I'm knocking on the door of an epic hip hop jam.

3. Bonaire. I don't get to spend nearly enough time with my mom & dad. The week was spent with lot's of time blowing bubbles, open water swimming and just one quick trip to the Emergency Room.
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Now that the summary is out of the way. Let's take a peak at the present.
And Yes, I know, that was not the most worthy summary to encompass these past couple months.

Balls.
I recently realized that I might have too many balls in the air.
Too much going on, too many responsibilities, too many people waiting on me for something....
So. I'm streamlining. Embracing the selfish and remembering that this year is about creating a career.

Needles
I was all prepared to go get my MRI on last week....going to the hospital with out my mom or a significant other was a new experience. After the mornings power test on the bike I was totally prepared to be tough. Then I found out that the contrast dye needed to be injected directly into my hip joint via the monster daddy of all syringes. Phew. That was a curve ball. With tears streaming down my face I made continuous jokes with the doctor in effort to diffuse my own anxiety. Ultimately, I survived unscathed.

Next, it was time to enter the 'waiting period' AKA call imaging department every 2 hours over the next 36 hours. You know what they say, the squeaky wheel gets the fastest radiologist reading.
Results: Not ideal but not the end of the world. Doing my best to stay on track until we figure out the next step....even though sometimes I just want to run away back to Bonaire and never look back.

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When we do have to be inside, thankful for the Apex crew.
Resources. Inspiration. Friendship. Goals

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Winter has finally arrived in Boulder but I am ready for summer.

Cheers to peace, overcoming obstacles and comfy clothes,
~Aubs

Posted by AubreyJ 16:44 Archived in USA Tagged beaches snow home nature beach travel colorado new year family run swimming massachusetts living bike friendship cycling health running strength healthy independence dreams inspiration triathlon inspire motivation choices progress east_coast growing_up multisport. caffeine being_scared being_strong live_big trainining open_water_swimming swim_bike_run athlete_problems open_water Comments (0)

What happens in Key West stays in Key West.

Actually, No. These memories will last a lifetime.

sunny 65 °F

First: Little Tidbits Of Travel

Assorted airports and assorted quotes that sums up 6 flights. Yes, it took 6 different planes to get to and from Key West.

TEXAS:
“Name one food you can’t put bacon on and it will taste better”

Q: May I just have an omelet with all the veggie options you have?
A: Well, we can do onions and bacon.
Q: Umm…let’s skip the bacon, and how about some of the other options from other places on the menu…peppers,,,broccoli
A: Ok. onions, tomato and bacon
Thought: We aren’t in boulder anymore Toto.

DENVER:
“I’ve just found this to be a good use of time while I’m waiting to board….”
-Says the man who is (literally) bicep curling his carryon bag.

MIAMI:
“Awwwww hell no….I did not just only bring my short lashes” <crisis mode voice> Says the woman gluing eyelashes on in the public bathroom.

Shuttle 1 of 4:
“Insert Video Clip Here (If I had one)” Of the shuttle driver belting out some pretty intense ‘praise to the kingdom’ ‘amen’ ‘hallejuigh, love thy savior’ jams at 3:45am. #americanidolworthy #myfillofreligionfortheyear

SILLY LIFE OBSERVATIONS:

1. Dear You: Just take the entire cookie. Because you know when you break it in half, and leave one half behind….It is only a matter of time until you go back, break that half in half and….Seriously ¾ of a cookie!? Who does that. (Yeahh…you know you do…it’s ok, we all do)

2.Your ‘delicates’ and ‘tech clothes’ getting hung to dry is a direct reflection as to how much spare time you have on laundry day. AKA, I’ve got 90 seconds before I have to leave…screw it it’s all going in the dryer.

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING….

Life is a river...It is not a straight line.
Don't take yourself too seriously. Have fun. Be silly.
Being scared is ok, it means you care.
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In kayaking we would rate rivers by class, but not just the rapid itself. A section could be “Class IV” for example, but with “class V” consequences. Meaning there was something about the rapid that if you were to get into a bad spot the repercussions were more dangerous than the technical skills required to get through. Maybe there were under cut rocks, or some strainers (downed trees) Before putting in it all comes down to, “Is it worth it?” ”Is it worth the risk”. You would make that decision knowing that once you dropped in, you were committed to paddle your little butt to the best of your ability, and have an intense amount of fun while doing it….because something about the sport brings you great joy.
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Maybe it’s inexplicable. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to you all the time. Perhaps when you think about it you can’t pin point the how or the why it makes you so happy. Why are you wiling to devote so much time to the river?

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I've been thinking about how scary and confusing it can be to begin to let someone into your life, and into your heart…..like on the river, there is a similar level of uncertainty..of risk. It is something that takes time, energy and commitment to make forward progress. Maybe sometimes in life we need to stop all the calculating and just drop into the river, not knowing exactly what each rapid ahead holds…but knowing that at the end of the day it is worth it…because being there brings you great joy and that is enough.
#LifeIsARiver #GoGetWet

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Quote Of The Moment

"We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that someone know that they inspire you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how, you love. There is courage in that." #MakeYourOwnPath #BeBold #BeBrilliant #NeverSettle

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Key West Tri

I created a roller-coaster for myself the week leading into this trip. Understatement. Debating on whether I want to race, whether I wanted to go, dreading travel, totally fighting getting sick, and just feeling 'off'.

When push came to shove / it came time for the aircraft doors to close….I stayed in my seat, found a big smile and got ready for a 12 hour travel adventure.

My hesitations about traveling were quickly resolved as soon as I found myself in RJs arms at the Miami airport. Feeling sick lingered, and not wanting to race hung around even longer…essentially right up until the gun went off.

I told myself that there are going to be days where my mind just doesn’t want to show up, and you need to make yourself race well and get over it. So, the day became about finding focus, finding good form and having fun. 3 successful missions. I had the 2nd fastest swim out of the men and women, 14th fastest bike and 3rd fasted run. Playing catch up to the boys and placing 3rd overall , 1st out of the women. It was a tiny race, 500 people total but just like all the races I’ve done this year it became a good learning / building block for next season.
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In some ways it was a confidence boost and in many others a reality check…..I realize the amount of work, progress and improvement that needs to happen. I also realize that I am on a time sensitive path, and with how high I am reaching I can’t afford to waste time, energy or resources. I feel pretty lucky to be surrounded by such a supportive network at home and abroad….

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That night we tore it up in the streets as a band played downtown Key West,. A couple of lone dancers we were as everyone else stood on the curb, head bobbing and foot-tapping with enthusiasm along to the music. Super lame. They were missing out, not us ; ) We were (per usual) just a couple of crazy kids, out to have a good time and make the most of our time together.

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The next day I woke up early to ride and then the four of us (RJ & his folks) spent the day snorkeling, kayaking, sailing, and playing in the ocean. Oh and we went para-sailing, no big deal ; ) It was the “ultimate adventure day” – literally. That is what the package was called….and appropriately named for sure. Saw a turtle and reef shark while snorkeling, got me excited to do some diving in Bonaire next month.

I suppose that is enough for today…since my battery is about kicked.

Quote of the Moment:
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Cheers to sunrise rides, caring deeply and laughing until it hurts,
Aubs

Posted by AubreyJ 06:04 Archived in USA Tagged me mountains beaches home beach travel vacation colorado airport sunrise friends kayaking fun family run share men living bike friendship cycling airports traveling training competition boulder fitness action running strength racing laughter independence whitewater baggage races quotes dreams flor learning goals inspiration triathlon fantasy motivation choices multisport. caffeine being_scared being_strong random_facts bike_racing instincts live_big race_day emotional_wellbeing open_water_swimming self_reflection swim_bike_run athlete_problems open_water funny_story Comments (1)

Mantra? Life Motto?

Call it what you will....but this one saved me.

sunny 50 °F

Cards. Guns. Paradise. Destiny.

It all started when I packed my life into two big bags (one of which was entirely my SCUBA & underwater photography equipment) about to head Honduras for one week and then straight to Ecuador for another 6 months. One of my final pieces of preparation for this next chapter was to go on a search for my "Quote Card". Maybe it's the high-school girl that will forever live in me a little bit, but I wanted to find something to hang on my mirror that would bring me strength, inspiration, serenity, comfort, excitement....whatever I needed.

Really just a series of words strung together, but there would be something about these words, in such an order that would just strike me - something that would become my 'go-to', my 'comfort blanket'. I remember spending over two hours roaming the card aisle of FACES in Northampton, MA....until I had the perfect one. In the card store that December day I had no idea how much this now tattered, coffee-stained, very-loved, eco-friendly greeting card cover would go through / see me through.

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It's first big test was just three weeks in, after our hotel room was robbed at gun point by a group of men.

Supportive parents, a compassionate college community, a new best friend, the love of my life (well, then..), and lots of other factors contributed to being able to pick-up the pieces after that night and move forward. But, seriously. This little greeting card did empower me. It reminded me that I was in Ecuador to DO AMAZING THINGS, for myself, on my own. And nothing/nobody was going to take that away. It has taken a very, very long time but I am learning to embrace that experience as a pivotal moment that made me choose how I handle fear/trauma. I DIDN'T RUN AWAY, back home to Massachusetts.

And good thing too. Because over the next few months on San Cristobal Island in the Galapagos, I would get up each morning at 5am to run before the blazing, hot, sun-of-death would be beating down....that I truly feel in love with mulit-sport. It was where I gathered everything I needed to make the decision to pursue racing when I got home instead of grad school. My mom always says that 'things happen for a reason'.

And it's taken me twenty-something years to admit it, but "Damn...that lady is pretty much always right"

And so began the tradition of "Life Quote Card". This one that started it all has since traveled on various adventures to The Philippines, London, France, Italy, Spain, The Netherlands, New Zealand, and Hungary before moving across the country to reside in Colorado with me. It hangs on my fridge, because ummmm......let's be real, as an athlete now, I see my fridge more often than I see the mirror.

I've had quite a few little mantras over the years...each seeming to serve their own purpose for that period of time and each coming to me in an unusually perfect way. With the exception of that first one, I have never gone out searching for one.

Not that there are "Rules" for the "Life Quote Card" but.....there are
1. I'm pretty sure you just need to make the jump and find your first one, the rest will find you in a 'pay it forward' kind of way.
2. Since you can't buy/search out cards for yourself beyond that first one, your job becomes to every so often find something for someone you care about....maybe you'll send the exact something someone you love needs at just the right time.

A Glimpse In The Archives

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Random package from my little sister after living in CO for a while. She reminded me that family is close, roots are deep and home will always be there...no matter where I journey or for how long.

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I have finally learned that when I get to this point, these feelings....it is time to go. Time to move forward. Move on. Start clean.

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Helps me remember that goals are more than just desire.
They take action, and that action is in the form of 'a lot of freakin' work'

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Reminds me that we're getting older every day,,,and everyday is a good day to do what makes you happy. And if what makes you happy is launching off a homemade jump with goggles on in a cardboard box plane....well. Shit, GET TO IT!

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Sent from Montana from my brain twin, Amanda. We saved each others lives in Ecuador.....literally. This card and her amazing spirit are my reminder of what true friendship is and what kind of friend we should all strive to be.

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There are countless choices we make each day, each minute....Choose Brightly.

Well. There it is.
If it makes me weird, that's fine.
It's just something that works for me.

Next time your out and about...why not spend some time browsing around the card shop?
A little inspiration never hurt anyone.

Here's to peace, opening up and honey almond butter,
Aubs

Posted by AubreyJ 21:00 Archived in USA Tagged travel independence quotes living_abroad inspiration triathlon being_scared being_strong Comments (1)

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